A Place To Start

This year has been a year of change. I don't hate change in general so long as I have some control and some say in what it is and what it involves. This year I've been challenged with the kind of change that isn't what I can control or what I would choose.

The year started as something of a blur. My sweet mother's health took a nosedive in december. She was placed on Hospice care in january. I was blessed to be able to spend a great deal of time with her. So grateful for a supportive husband who so very patiently took over things at home alot throughout the short remainder of her life. I lost my mom february 5th.

I still have a difficult time putting the feelings about all of it into words. I was with her in her final moments. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a sweet and loving mother. I miss her so deeply. She knew all of my faults and strengths and believed in me. Truly a friend to me. She saw me through so many trials and shared so many special moments with me. She was even present at my son's birth.

I find myself talking to her still. Asking her advice. Imagining her calming comforting arms around me. I miss her so much!

Now I am trying to adjust to family life without Mom here to be the glue. I feel so profoundly how fragile and how short life really is.

As the youngest of 5 kids spanning 12 years, I always felt like I was trying to catch up to the older ones. It has taken far too long for me to realize that it just isn't going to happen. Seems like just about the time I get to the same stage in life, they are onto the next. In some ways I will always be the awkward little sister. 

It is strange to see all my neices and nephews growing up and starting new phases in their lives as well. Never thought we'd be having kids at the same time. lol. Funny to feel in between generations of the family. I guess I just wish my family was as close as we all once were.

I don't know if everyone who loses their mother feels this way, but since she has gone, I don't feel as connected. I feel so much more alone than I ever have before. I know I am not really ever alone. I know that the Lord is with me and I know I have others too who love me and are here for me. It is hard to explain but I just feel such a lack of connection sometimes. I guess I started this blog to kind of sort out the kind of chaos in my soul.