Mom has been on my mind so much lately. Dad brought a box of things for me to go through. It was filled with things from cards we'd all given her to family history.
I found a little note she had saved from an old neighbor of ours. It was written on line paper and simply said " Couldn't afford a card this year but wanted to wish the Bulloughs a Merry Christmas all the same. John Debore ".
How like her to keep that. She was kind and compassionate. My heart is full thinking about all the love she shared. I am so grateful for her example.
A friend was talking about her daughter and her struggles in the gospel right now. She sounds alot like me when I strayed from the path. It made me think of how my dear mom handled that situation. It must have been very difficult for her to watch her child who she taught to be a good mormon girl fall so far from what she wanted for her. She didn't condemn or chastize. She simply loved me back to the path. She told me she didn't want there to be any "empty chairs" in Heaven. I knew I didn't want to be without her either and it was a start back into the fold of my Savior.
If she taught me anything it was to love one another. I am so grateful for such a special mother.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Another Change Came Our Way....
The other very big change in our lives came on July 4th. I finally convinced Darrin that after nearly a week of being terribly ill he needed to go to the hospital.
He had a terrible gaunt look to him and I was pretty freaked out. I am so grateful to Amie and Sharon who helped me to get him into the car. I also was able to call on my brothers Brad and Kirk whose families watched Benji while I left.
Amie came to the hospital with us. I am so glad she did. When I heard the word Sepsis, I was terrified. I knew what it was and that it was very serious. Darrin was seriously ill.
After about a week in St.Marks hospital. They had Darrin stabilized enough to move him to a rehabilitation center. He was there for 6 weeks.
He still has infection in his leg and has lymph edema. He has finally been able to return to work but it is with much pain and difficulty. We are at a point of "okay so where do we go from here?".
He is off of the antibiotics now and we have been instructed to keep a very close eye on his leg and his temperature to make sure he doesn't get sick again. But in the mean time he is still in pain and the swelling isnt getting any better. It is a frustrating process.
I am struggling. I am realizing that I have some very selfish tendencies. I would love to tell you that I am just awesome about being supportive and taking over everything but I am really feeling overwhelmed.
Darrin is amazing the way he goes to work in spite of the pain I know he is in. I love him so much. He is frustrated and discouraged too and I am sure he is feeling unsure about what the future holds. We are both a bit stressed and need to make more time for just the two of us but since he can't really go out much and the kids are here too we will have to send them to bed earlier or something.
Well I don't plan to make this blog a downer all the time. I hope you will forgive my self indulgence. Just need a place to process I guess.
He had a terrible gaunt look to him and I was pretty freaked out. I am so grateful to Amie and Sharon who helped me to get him into the car. I also was able to call on my brothers Brad and Kirk whose families watched Benji while I left.
Amie came to the hospital with us. I am so glad she did. When I heard the word Sepsis, I was terrified. I knew what it was and that it was very serious. Darrin was seriously ill.
After about a week in St.Marks hospital. They had Darrin stabilized enough to move him to a rehabilitation center. He was there for 6 weeks.
He still has infection in his leg and has lymph edema. He has finally been able to return to work but it is with much pain and difficulty. We are at a point of "okay so where do we go from here?".
He is off of the antibiotics now and we have been instructed to keep a very close eye on his leg and his temperature to make sure he doesn't get sick again. But in the mean time he is still in pain and the swelling isnt getting any better. It is a frustrating process.
I am struggling. I am realizing that I have some very selfish tendencies. I would love to tell you that I am just awesome about being supportive and taking over everything but I am really feeling overwhelmed.
Darrin is amazing the way he goes to work in spite of the pain I know he is in. I love him so much. He is frustrated and discouraged too and I am sure he is feeling unsure about what the future holds. We are both a bit stressed and need to make more time for just the two of us but since he can't really go out much and the kids are here too we will have to send them to bed earlier or something.
Well I don't plan to make this blog a downer all the time. I hope you will forgive my self indulgence. Just need a place to process I guess.
A Place To Start
This year has been a year of change. I don't hate change in general so long as I have some control and some say in what it is and what it involves. This year I've been challenged with the kind of change that isn't what I can control or what I would choose.
The year started as something of a blur. My sweet mother's health took a nosedive in december. She was placed on Hospice care in january. I was blessed to be able to spend a great deal of time with her. So grateful for a supportive husband who so very patiently took over things at home alot throughout the short remainder of her life. I lost my mom february 5th.
I still have a difficult time putting the feelings about all of it into words. I was with her in her final moments. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a sweet and loving mother. I miss her so deeply. She knew all of my faults and strengths and believed in me. Truly a friend to me. She saw me through so many trials and shared so many special moments with me. She was even present at my son's birth.
I find myself talking to her still. Asking her advice. Imagining her calming comforting arms around me. I miss her so much!
Now I am trying to adjust to family life without Mom here to be the glue. I feel so profoundly how fragile and how short life really is.
As the youngest of 5 kids spanning 12 years, I always felt like I was trying to catch up to the older ones. It has taken far too long for me to realize that it just isn't going to happen. Seems like just about the time I get to the same stage in life, they are onto the next. In some ways I will always be the awkward little sister.
It is strange to see all my neices and nephews growing up and starting new phases in their lives as well. Never thought we'd be having kids at the same time. lol. Funny to feel in between generations of the family. I guess I just wish my family was as close as we all once were.
I don't know if everyone who loses their mother feels this way, but since she has gone, I don't feel as connected. I feel so much more alone than I ever have before. I know I am not really ever alone. I know that the Lord is with me and I know I have others too who love me and are here for me. It is hard to explain but I just feel such a lack of connection sometimes. I guess I started this blog to kind of sort out the kind of chaos in my soul.
The year started as something of a blur. My sweet mother's health took a nosedive in december. She was placed on Hospice care in january. I was blessed to be able to spend a great deal of time with her. So grateful for a supportive husband who so very patiently took over things at home alot throughout the short remainder of her life. I lost my mom february 5th.
I still have a difficult time putting the feelings about all of it into words. I was with her in her final moments. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a sweet and loving mother. I miss her so deeply. She knew all of my faults and strengths and believed in me. Truly a friend to me. She saw me through so many trials and shared so many special moments with me. She was even present at my son's birth.
I find myself talking to her still. Asking her advice. Imagining her calming comforting arms around me. I miss her so much!
Now I am trying to adjust to family life without Mom here to be the glue. I feel so profoundly how fragile and how short life really is.
As the youngest of 5 kids spanning 12 years, I always felt like I was trying to catch up to the older ones. It has taken far too long for me to realize that it just isn't going to happen. Seems like just about the time I get to the same stage in life, they are onto the next. In some ways I will always be the awkward little sister.
It is strange to see all my neices and nephews growing up and starting new phases in their lives as well. Never thought we'd be having kids at the same time. lol. Funny to feel in between generations of the family. I guess I just wish my family was as close as we all once were.
I don't know if everyone who loses their mother feels this way, but since she has gone, I don't feel as connected. I feel so much more alone than I ever have before. I know I am not really ever alone. I know that the Lord is with me and I know I have others too who love me and are here for me. It is hard to explain but I just feel such a lack of connection sometimes. I guess I started this blog to kind of sort out the kind of chaos in my soul.
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